I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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