found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
