Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
