1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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