I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
