Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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