this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The adults are the big ones right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
