She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
