The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize