I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
