It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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