if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
