does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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