I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
