I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
