I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize