I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
this will be a night to untag.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
