See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize