Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
