They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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