I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
