Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
