i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
