You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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