This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
