just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize