Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
