Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
this boner is exhausting
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
