mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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