I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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