This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize