so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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