Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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