How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
