You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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