I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
