This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
is it fun? or sober?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
