I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
