True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
