I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
