Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
