i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
