I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
