i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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