There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
