Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
