We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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