She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He better not be in your backpack
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
