I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
