I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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