Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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