I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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