well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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