she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
