Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The best revenge is premature balding
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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