if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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