im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize