I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
