If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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