It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
