I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
