We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We talked him into tasing himself.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
