Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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