i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
